


Silence

by tarjas_reign



Category: Nightwish, Tarja Turunen - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 17:17:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5879140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarjas_reign/pseuds/tarjas_reign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Silence is better than unmeaning words.* - Pythagoras</p>
<p>*There is a time for Silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.* - Octavia E. Butler</p>
<p>*Music and Silence combine strongly because music is done with Silence, and Silence is full of music.* - Marcel Marceau </p>
<p>*There is Silence in the music too, for me. That is my escape, my sort of oasis where I can forget anything else.* - Tarja Turunen</p>
<p>*Every word is like an unnecessary stain on Silence and nothingness.* - Samuel Beckett </p>
<p>*I don't think that the spoken words solve everything. Sometimes Silence delivers truer feelings while the words can distort the meaning of some situations.* - Kim Ki-duk</p>
<p>*Silence is deep as eternity; speech is shallow as time.* - Thomas Carlyle</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>*Absolute Silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death.* - Jean-Jacquess Rousseau</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence

_Silence._

_For some people silence is something wonderful. It can help to forget about all the stress in life and to relax instead. It also allows a person to give in to their inner thoughts and feelings without getting interrupted by the meaningless noise in the world._

_But at the same time silence can be scary and can spread a slight feeling of insecurity; if there's not supposed to be any silence, it can seem threatening and dangerous._

_However, the worst kind of silence is probably this deep, lasting silence that creates sadness and loneliness..._

_This silence that slowly kills you from inside and shuts out all positive thoughts and energy..._

_This silence that shouldn't be..._

_The silence that remains after you've lost everything else..._  
  
~

Finland was in darkness while thick snowflakes were swirling through the cold air. The sound of church bells was carried through the night by a soft breeze and the candles behind every window in Kitee even increased this wonderful atmosphere.  
It could have been a perfect Christmas Eve...

Only a few minutes ago a sad melody, played on a grand piano, had sounded through one of the houses in the east of Finland. Now everything was silent while the pianist sat in front of his instrument and stared out of the window, lost in his thoughts. He had hoped to find peace in his music but the play of his piano hadn't filled the room at all; it had sounded incomplete, as if something had been missing... the music just hadn't been able to reach the young man's heart.  
With a sigh he had stopped playing and now he looked out of his window, unable to get rid of the oppressive feelings inside him. It was Christmas Eve, a day he had always loved, but this year he wasn't in the mood to celebrate at all.  
Depressed, he listened to the deep silence around him, hoping for a sound, any sound; a footstep, a humming voice, an opening door... But there was nothing, nothing but silence in the empty house.   
Desperate to interrupt this horrible silence, Tuomas - the man on the piano - started playing again. Like the one before it was a very sad melody that expressed his feelings; but without the lyrics which belonged to the song it was imperfect. He tried to sing the vocals himself but everything that came over his lips was a silent whisper as his voice broke. 

_The winter left her blanket here this morning_  
A soft and gentle coverlet of white  
Unfolded in the shadows of the dawn  
It sparkled in the early morning light  
You would have loved this  
You would have loved this  
This was your favorite time of day* 

Feeling silent tears running over his face, Tuomas stopped playing again. It had been for no use anyway; the silence remained and there was nothing he could do about it.  
More tears ran down his cheeks and fell to the ground and in a desperate attempt to hide from this cruel reality Tuomas closed his eyes and covered his ears with his hands; but there was no escape... The silence wasn't something he could shut out. It was inside him, deep inside his heart; his heart that once had been beating full of energy, full of zest for life, full of love. But now there was nothing but emptiness... and the weak longing for a dream that he knew would never come true.

If only he could turn back time... back to this fateful evening in summer. Pictures of this day started appearing in front of his inner eye and even though the memories only increased his pain he gave in to them - gave in to the memory of that last perfect moment on that last perfect evening.   
There hadn't always been silence. There had been a time that the house had been filled with laughter; laughter that had echoed in his head like the most beautiful sound on earth. There had been music; music that had filled his heart with warmth and happiness. And there had been a beating heart, right next to his own.  
There had been no darkness, no cold, no sadness, no loneliness - no silence.   
Until...  
Tuomas could remember every detail of that evening: The music that had been played in the restaurant they had visited; the taste of the champagne he had ordered for this special occasion; the excitement in his beloved's eyes as he had reached into his pocket... and her beaming smile as he had gone on his knees.

_"Will you marry me, Tarja?"_

The thought of that last evening made tears well up in Tuomas' eyes again. Everything could have been perfect... if fate hadn't decided to get in their way. 

Slowly, he let his gaze wander through the room. He had a Christmas tree that stood in the corner next to the piano but its light seemed dull, unable to fight the darkness in the empty house. There was a fire in the fireplace but Tuomas could feel a cold shiver running down his spine despite the warming flames. He could hear bells and some music that was waved over to him from the church nearby but it didn't change anything about the silence inside him.  
Something was missing; something that had been taken away from him by this cruel power called destiny... and all that remained was silence...

As he closed his eyes again another memory crossed Tuomas' mind: The memory of the first time he had kissed her. Exactly three years ago - on Christmas Eve - Tarja and he had become a couple. It had been at the very same place he was sitting right now - in front of his piano, next to a bright Christmas tree - that he finally had had the courage to kiss her. It had been a perfect kiss and it had been followed by a long silence, only shortly interrupted by their whispered love confessions. But it had been a different kind of silence; they hadn't needed any words and the silence between them had been more meaningful than any words could have been.

But this silence was right the opposite - empty, depressing and heartbreaking. 

Dominant. 

Painful. 

Unable to bare it any longer, Tuomas got up from his chair. He knew where he needed to go since it was the place where he had spent most of his time during the last months. Without even bothering to put on a jacket, he opened the front door of his house and stepped out into the cold December night.  
The wind blew snowflakes into his face but Tuomas didn't even notice it; his thoughts were far away, on that evening half a year ago... the evening on which his life had lost all its meaning.

He walked through the empty streets without paying any attention to his way. His subconscious knew where he needed to go and his feet brought him there on their own...

_It was already dark outside when Tuomas and Tarja finally left the restaurant, their hands entwined. Smiling happily, Tuomas put one arm around the smaller woman, pulled her closer and gave her a short kiss on her cheek. "I love you", he whispered, unable to believe what had happened within the last hour. Finally he had had the courage to propose to her and she had said yes. He and Tarja would get married, something Tuomas had dreamed of for years; but now it would not remain a dream anymore. In a few months he would be able to call Tarja his wife, a word that sounded strange and wonderful to him at the same time.  
"I love you, too", Tarja whispered back and despite the darkness around them Tuomas could see the happy look in her eyes. Knowing that he was the reason for this happiness, he pulled her even closer while they slowly walked up to their car._

Feeling his eyes becoming wet again, Tuomas forced himself back into reality. He was aware that clinging to the past wouldn't make him feel any better but as hard as he tried, he just couldn't let go... the memories were painful but they also were a huge part of himself and the life he had had - the life he had lost.

Biting his lip, the young man walked through the darkness, just as he had done on that evening half a year ago; but now he was alone. Only now he actually noticed the deep silence around him... or maybe the silence just hadn't felt so oppressive to him when he hadn't been alone.   
But now it was all around him, inside him, tortured him and depressed him. Even though there actually were several sounds that interrupted the silence... His footsteps made a crunshing noise in the snow and the sound of the bells grew even louder while Tuomas approached the church.   
But nothing of this could reach him. For him there was only silence, no matter how much noise was around him.

Faster than he had expected Tuomas was there. As soon as he was close enough to see the iron gate that he had gone through so many times lately, he felt as if he had been sent back in time. He had been here so often, but he would never forget the first time he had gone through the gate. It had been almost four months ago, but Tuomas could remember every single detail of that day... People, many people, all dressed in black. People who had been crying silently. People who had comforted each other. People who had squeezed his hand while quitly declaring their condolences.   
However, he hadn't wanted to hear their words. He hadn't wanted to talk to people, hadn't wanted to be confronted with his sorrow. He hadn't wanted to say goodbye... 

Slowly, Tuomas opened the gate. The cold iron was covered by a thick layer of snow, but he didn't even notice it. All he could think of was the sadness he felt and the tormenting silence that surrounded him. Meanwhile the curch bells had fallen silent and now there was no sound anymore but Tuomas' footsteps on the frozen ground. It could have been a spooky situation; visiting a graveyard in the middle of the night, completely alone... but Tuomas wasn't scared at all. He had been here uncountable times; all he was scared of were his own feelings that overwhelmed him every single time.

The grave was very close to the entrance of the cemetery so Tuomas only needed a short moment to reach it.   
And then he was there. He was standing in front of her grave, looked down on it and instantly felt hot tears rising in his eyes. Carefully, he sat down on the ground and closed his eyes for a moment. 

Everything had happened so fast. In one second they had sat in the car, still parking in front of the restaurant. He had reached for her hand before he had leaned in to kiss her tenderly. He hadn't noticed anything else around him. There had been only her; her fingers, entwined with his, her lips, touching his, her heartbeat right next to his.   
None of them had seen the car approaching them way too fast, none of them had heard the squeal of brakes... until their own car had been hit.   
All Tuomas could remember was Tarja's scream. A scream that had made his blood freeze in his veins and had made his heart break into millions of pieces. A scream full of pain and fear. Then there had been blood - Tuomas hadn't known how much blood a single person was able to lose. Desperately, he had tried to keep her awake, had pressed his hands on her wounds to stop the bleeding, not even wasting a single thought on his own injuries. It had been for no use though. Her breathing had become slower and slower, until she barley had been able to keep her eyes open.  
 _"I love you."_  
Her words had been nothing but a whisper, hardly understandable.   
_"I love you, too"_ , Tuomas had mumbled, desperate to hold back his tears, _"more than anything._ "

Opening his eyes again, Tuomas felt tears running down his cheeks. The memories had forced themselves into his mind once more and prevented him from thinking about anything else but the evening he had lost her.  
Eager to calm down a bit, Tuomas took a deep breath; then he reached out and wiped the snow from Tarja's headstone to make the inscription readable. 

_Life is not forever. Love is._

_In everloving memory of_

_Tarja Soile Susanna Turunen_

_17th August 1977 -  
26th September 2006_

He was so close to her. The headstone and some soil was all that divided him from her, but still... she was so far away. Far away, in another world, further away than any living person could ever be. "I miss you...", he whispered even though he knew that she couldn't hear him... and that he wouldn't get an answer. She was gone. Forever. He would never see her again, never hear her voice again... he would never marry her, would never grow old with her.   
More and more tears fell down on her grave while Tuomas lost himself in his memories again, the last memories of her... the memories of the day he had ultimately lost her.

_"Mister Holopainen?" Tuomas looked up as one of Tarja's doctors entered the room, a serious expression on his face. "Can I talk to you about something?" Shrugging, Tuomas turned his head back to the bed next to him. For the last two months he hadn't left the room for more than a few minutes. He had sat next to Tarja, had hold her hand, hoping that something would change; but nothing ever changed. Her condition stayed the same. "She's still in an artificial coma." "We don't know if she'll ever wake up." "She's not able to survive on her own." He had heard these words so many times... Everyday he was hoping for good news; but deep inside he knew that the fight was lost. Tarja had been comatose for nine weeks, bound to the machines that kept her alive. There was almost no chance that she would ever get better._  
The doctor now pulled a chair next to the bed and looked at his patient sadly. Then he raised his voice again. "As you know, Ms Turunen has been kept in an artificial coma since her accident..." Tuomas nodded but didn't take his eyes away from Tarja. He had a suspicion what this was about; though he wasn't able to accept it yet. "Well, at the beginning we hoped that she would wake up after some time... but meanwhile we are sure that she won't." He swallowed and glanced at Tuomas sympathetically. "Her blood levels are very critically, important parts of her brain are damaged and -" "You want to turn off the machines, right?", Tuomas interrupted, still not looking away from his fiancée. The doctor swallowed again. "See, I am really sorry... In the end you are the one who has to make this decision. If you don't want this, we will keep her alive... But I wouldn't recommend that. She will either spend the rest of her life in the coma... or you decide to let her go... I know this is a hard decision, but -" "Turn the machines off", Tuomas interrupted; his voice sounded strong despite the tears that rose in his eyes. "I don't want her to go through this... she deserves to rest in peace." The doctor nodded slowly. "That is a wise decission. I'm sure she would be thankful." Not answering, Tuomas stared down on Tarja. So this was the end. He had just told them to take her away from him forever. He would lose her and never get her back.   
"I'll leave you two alone for a moment...", the doctor mumbled and before Tuomas could reply anything he got up and left the room. 

_For a while Tuomas remained silent. Suddenly he felt uncomfortable, even though this wasn't the first time he was alone with her in the hospital room. But now that he knew what was going to happen he felt strange. He had no idea what to say, knowing that she probably couldn't hear him anyway. But not saying anything was even worse... the silence around him drove him crazy so he eventually started talking, just to fill the room with some noise. "Tarja...", he swallowed. It was always weird talking to her without seeing any reactions, not even a weak smile or a wink. "I... I am so sorry how everything turned out... There is no day that I don't want to turn back time... to get you out of the car before... you know. I wish there was anything I could do to help you..." He swallowed again as he felt his voice breaking. "I think... I found a way to help you now. That's why I made this decision; because I know it's best for you." For a moment he fell silent, lost in his own thoughts. But the silence in the room made him feel dizzy. It lasted heavily on him and he couldn't bare it for longer than a few seconds, so he started talking again. "I'll miss you, Tarja... I already miss you so much. But I know I can't keep you here, you don't belong here... you deserve to move on... I love you..." Carefully he leaned down and kissed her, ignoring the tears that ran down his face. "... I always will."_

Crying, Tuomas stared at her name on the headstone. Suddenly, the silence didn't even bother him anymore. As unfamiliar and depressing it had seemed to him before, now it actually had a comforting effect on him. 

Sometime, when he had managed to calm down a bit, Tuomas reached into his pocket for a matchbox and enlightened the candle on Tarja's grave. The flame didn't spend much light, but the darkness didn't seem so oppressive to him anymore.   
"I love you, Tarja", he whispered and somehow he knew that she had heard him... maybe she had died but that didn't mean that she had left him.  
As long as he loved her she would stay with him, wherever he went.

_Life is not forever. Love is._

 

 

~~~~~~~~~  
* Tarja Turunen, You Would Have Loved This


End file.
